It's Not Just "The Terrible Twos"

"She's two;  it's the age."

You don't know how many times I've heard that in the last six months.  But I know, deep down, that Amelia's behavior is not typical two year old behavior.  I've had five children of my own and two of them have been 'challenging.'  Having been down this road before, you would think that I would have my ducks in a row, that I would know how to handle each situation as it came up.  Surely I understand that I can not turn my back for five seconds, no matter how badly the laundry stinks or how burnt the supper is.  I've written, on this very blog a series of posts about dealing with challenging children.

Then why does it surprise me so when Amelia circumvents the safety guards on the doors and gets all of the baby chickens out of their box?  Why am I appalled when I see that she's dumped out their water and food and between that and the chicken poop, has made a lovely skating rink of the basement floor?  Why can't I remember that she has a melt-down every time we go to get into the car and it takes a minimum of six minutes to get her to transition from whatever she's tearing up at the time to actually getting in the car?

I guess that the 20 hour long days over the past two and a half years have clouded my mind.  Some days aren't as long as that, more along the lines of 18 hours, but for the most part, four hours of sleep is all Amelia needs to recharge her hyper-lithium, long-life, energized batteries.  During that time I consume way more caffeine than is safe for the human body and usually end up with the jitters along about hour nineteen.  I have to do something, lest I accidentally doze off during those hours only to be jolted awake five minutes later to the sound of Amelia cackling as she cracks the 14th egg into my house slippers.  I've also developed horrible eating habits and consume about 4,000 calories per day because it takes food to make energy to keep up with her but I'm usually so busy keeping up that the food I eat is less than healthy.

If you have ever had a newborn, you understand what it truly means to only get about three hours of sleep per night.  If you've been lucky enough to have had more than one newborn in succession (or OMG twins or more), you know that it is a repetitive cycle that usually lasts for the first six months or so and then you get more sleep.  You feel like you only get three or four hours, but let's be honest, you're a tired parent and duly so but you're getting a few more than that.

I wish.  I wish that I was exaggerating about the sleep I get.  Okay, maybe I am exaggerating the three hours thing because sometimes it is three glorious, consecutive hours but mostly it's three hours blasted up into bits when Amelia wakes up screaming or starts kicking for no reason or just decides it's time to get up.  I started putting her off on nursing at night right after she turned two, but if worse comes to worse, I'd rather doze uncomfortably while trying to breastfeed her than to hear her scream for two hours.

As for quality of sleep, well that is what I make of it.  The girls sleep in a double bed and Amelia takes up about two-thirds of it.  If anyone moves or makes noise she will scream.  If she doesn't have her pillows she will scream.  If someone else has some pillows she will scream.  If she doesn't have all of the blankets she will scream.  I think you're getting, now, that quantity and quality are pretty much tied together and are pretty much negating each other at this point.

Less and less frequently, there are naps.  Amazingly freeing naps where I can rush around for 45 minutes to one hour and get everything done in the house and with the other three children who live here that needs to be done in the day.  Sometimes, like now, I can even manage to type while she's nursing and almost asleep.  Usually, though, nursing sessions are full of kung-fu type artistry and outstanding feats of high-flying antics all while 20 pearly white teeth are precariously attached to my nipple.  My laptop is missing a few keys and has a  dent in the top from those few times I actually got crazy enough to try and type while she was still awake.

None of this is new, really, and I've known since I was pregnant that this child was special.  A few days before her birth, she kicked me so violently that my ribs were bruised and every intake of breath hurt like daggers being jabbed into my lungs.  She was just about 34 1/2 weeks gestation.  We also got clued in to her high needs status when it took us six weeks to get her to breastfeed without help and then it took us another six months to get her to take anything besides the breast or to have any other source of comfort than me.  She used to scream when her father held her, which made for bonding between them very difficult.  We had read Dr. Sear's Fussy Baby Book and his Baby Sleep Book and we new that something was different about Amelia when we read about the signs of a high needs baby on his site.

The Sears' present twelve 'features' of high needs babies, and I just looked at the computer and it was like an epiphany.  SOMEONE ELSE KNEW.    Someone else knew that I wasn't crazy, I wasn't exaggerating or making things up, and I wasn't just being a grouchy new mama.  There in the words on the screen was the exact definition of Amelia, every last one of them.  I was thinking that if your child scored a nine out of twelve, you might have a pretty high needs child, but all of them rang true for us.  Amelia was about seven months old at the time and I was beginning to think that I was the one who was somehow not fit to parent.  It was a relief to know that others had and were going through what we were, but it did not and does not take the edge off after a really challenging and long day of parenting.

I know Amelia's behaviors aren't typical of two year olds.  I know that she is high needs and parenting her requires extra effort, sometimes, super-human effort.  I know that there will be days when I fail.  I know that others do this and their kids turn out okay (heck, my other daughter ain't too shabby!).  I know that there will be moments of bliss in the madness.  I also know that I am a tired and worn out mama who really needs to type these things out more in order to keep myself sane!

 

How Many, How Much?

I'm only one person, yet I have so much to tell, so much to say.  I can only reach so many of you, and then I am hoping that you reach out and that others reach out.  Spread the love, be the voice.

One

I am the voice of one
My journey just begun
I am the voice of one

I am the voice of one
Together battles won
I am the voice of one

I am the voice of one
Doing what must be done
I am the voice of one

I am the voice of one
The Earth and Moon and Sun
I am the voice of one

I am the voice of one

-copy write Jen Hart, January 31, 2012  

Share, but give back where credit is due, please!!!

A Word From Your Queen!

Hi!  Millie here.  My mom has so generously invited me to be a guest on the blog today.  Ok, maybe 'invite' is too strong a word.  She's in there 'cooking' something she likes to call lunch, so I've got a few.  And may I say a big THANK YOU to Google Translator because, WOW, this woman types in gibberish!

Anyway, I wanted to share a little about what it's like to be 2, from someone who knows the dealio.  See, I've been 2 for four whole months now and I've been acting like I'm 2 for quite a bit longer (like, 8 months AT LEAST).  No one really gets it, so I thought I'd give a few pointers.  Here goes!  (Dontchya LOVE the title???)

1.  My way or...is there another way.

Do we really need to discuss this?  I mean, seriously, why can't you just GIVE me the knife and the markers and let me decide when it's inappropriate and where.  You call that the 'good sofa?'  I've seen better furniture on the curb being peed on by a dog, lady.  All it needs is some decoration and a few holes cut in it an voila, you've got yourself a work of art!

2.  I wanted it YESTERDAY.

Back to the markers, why didn't you give them to me already?  I mean, I've been screaming at you for at LEAST 13 seconds and I said as plain as day, "GIVE ME MARKERS NOW!!!!"  Do you have hearing issues or are you just really old and slow?

3.  What?  I don't want THAT now!

Ooops, too slow.  You took too long, I was SO over the markers like, 4 seconds ago.  Get with the program, I am now after the spray bottle of spot remover.  NO, I don't want to clean up the sofa, are you insane?  I just want to go remove the spots from Spot.  You know, the dog.  He and I have to go poop on the floor later and I really don't wanna be seen with him and those darn spots of his!  They clash.

4.  Go to sleep?????

Sleep is for the weak and old (obviously because my mom does a LOT of it!).  THREE HOURS???!?!?!?!?!?!  Are you kidding?  I can recharge in 15 minutes and I'm ready for some trash trawling or some cabinet excavation.  Really, you people would think that sleep is a vital part of life or something.  Why are you so darn tired, anyway?  I mean, all you do is follow me around all day, surely you're not THAT out of shape!

So, I've kept it short and sweet 'cause the woman keeps looking around and asking why I'm being so quiet.  Gaw, I try to be good for once and she suspects something!  Just as a last note of importance:  THE CARSEAT HAS SPIKES IN IT.  Check that out, it hurts to sit in that thing unless you turn the DVD player on, give me candy, and act like a lunatic singing "Let's go for a ride."  I think that turns the little spike thingy off....

Why don't you just leave???

***EDIT:  I had the settings on this blog set to "Adult Content."  I changed them because I feel that when you open up an internet page, you are opening yourself up to what is on that page.  YOU are taking the risk and therefore, YOU need to be responsible for filtering out what YOU don't want to see.  Same goes for life:  Don't like it, don't look.  If I get myself in a situation I'd rather not be in, removing myself from the situation usually alleviates the stress for me.  However, I'm not stressed about posting my breastfeeding photos, so therefore, I won't be leaving!  And as for children and what they see on the net, that is for THEIR OWN PARENTS to discuss and limit, not me.  Happy Reading!***


That's the question of the hour, it seems, especially over on the FB Stop Harassing Kwasnica and ALL Breastfeeding Women page on Facebook.  So, why don't I just leave Facebook, start my own site where all breastfeeding photos and discussions are welcomed, with like-minded individuals who aren't offended by the site of babies sucking on breasts?  Call it "Faceboob" and have at whipping our tits around and showing off the repulsiveness of a baby eating on our own page.  Why shouldn't I just gather up my militant breastfeeding posse and hitch it on over to our own site?  Why?

Let me tell you why.

Because I don't want to.  Facebook is the third largest community IN THE WORLD and I want to be a part of the community.  I want to share on Facebook and connect with friends and family.  On Facebook, I have access to a treasure trove of information on subjects OTHER than breastfeeding that I enjoy such as Crochet,     Natural Parenting, and some happy little venting about parenting, complete with crappy pictures, not to mention my slight obsession with The Earth's Children book series and all fan-atic stuffs therein!  Facebook is where I learn, connect, write, share, and most of all, where I go to help women breastfeed.

I've met many people online and have a contact base that includes people from all walks of life.  They know that if they need advice on breastfeeding, I'm open to sharing and passing on information.  They can see my pride and acceptance of breastfeeding and breastfeeding full-term in the pictures I post of my children nursing.    Sure, we could meet up elsewhere, but why should we 'get off the bus' if we aren't the ones who are having an issue?

There is a policy on Facebook in regards to uploading breastfeeding pictures.  While it is a bit vague, it does set some guidelines for posting and viewing of the photos and even states that Facebook follows the same guidelines as print and television media.  They've even changed up the words a bit to include 'child' and not just 'baby.'  They say they won't take action on the photos that are compliant, but as can be seen on Jodine Chase's blog posts detailing further deletions of breastfeeding photos, Facebook isn't exactly following their own rules.

My question to those asking me to leave is this:  Who should leave?  If you are uncomfortable with the photos, shouldn't you leave?  Maybe not Facebook, but leave the area/forum/page in which they are posted?  I've asked my friends and family to either unfriend or hide my posts instead of reporting and I had 9 lost friends (and who knows how many just hid me) that day.  They knew that I wasn't going to lighten up on the issue and that they didn't want to see my photos, so they took their own comfort into consideration and removed themselves from the situation.  Again, I'm not suggesting you leave Facebook, but removing the chances that you might see the images, and therefore, be offended, isn't a bad idea, either.  I don't really like house pets, so I don't go to house pet pages or forums.  See, easy!

Honestly, I don't believe anyone should leave, not even the 'trolls' or 'haters.'  I believe that the more people see breastfeeding, whether it be in person or via photos on Facebook, the more people will accept breastfeeding.  It won't be cool to tell me how gross or vile or useless breastfeeding is anymore, because it will be the minority opinion.  And once you truly consider that breastfeeding is feeding a child, how can you even think of it as gross?  It's a child, a baby, a toddler, a CHILD.  Eating.  Being sweet and cute and just being!

There are choices to be made in this world.  I am free to leave or stay on Facebook.  You are free to look at the photos or not.  Your choice!

I've made a vow with myself to be nice during this and to give information as well as my opinion without spewing hate or words that will make others value themselves or their opinions less.  I'm trying and I will continue to try.  I hope I  can inspire some of you, whether you like the photos or not, to try, too.

Love,
Jen (who isn't going anywhere!)

Can YOU Tell Who's Breastfeeding?

I've gone to the grocery, to the mall, to the doctor's office and breastfed.  I've breastfed at basketball games, at graduations, funerals and weddings.  And 95% of the time, NO ONE EVEN KNEW.  "Oh, look at that sleeping baby!"  Nope, not sleeping, NURSING.  BREASTFEEDING!  Seriously, you should see the looks of shock I get when touchy-feely strangers wanna take a peek at the 'sleeping baby' only to find that she's actually nursing.  Can you spot the nursing pictures below?  Is she nursing or just sleeping?  Hmmmm....

In ALL of the pictures EXCEPT THE LAST ONE, the baby IS NOT NURSING.  The last picture was taken on the DART in Dallas, May 2010 and I am in fact nursing 9 month old Millie.  :)

If you'd like to share your pictures, and let others see if they can spot the breastfeeding (or not breastfeeding) baby, e-mail to rickkater2 at yahoo dot com.  Here's a link, if your device is enabled rickkater2@yahoo.com Please include written permission for me to use your photo and any other info you'd like published (or not!)  

***We've had a couple of ladies want to share, so here goes!***

Paulina nursing her babe at a yoga class, or is she?  :)

Here are a few more pictures that Paulina wanted to share.  Can you tell whether she's breastfeeding or not???

And a final share from Natalia.  Obviously, she's breastfeeding (or is she????).   This was too cute not to share!  WTG Natalia for BREASTFEEDING TWINS!  You go, girls ;)  

So You Ask Yourself, Why?

Why is that child still nursing?

Or maybe,

Why did her mother choose to share that on the internet?

Millie, 26.5 months

No doubt, if you're on Facebook, a friend of a friend of a friend (or maybe someone closer) has posted about recent removals of pictures like the one above.  In fact, the one above was removed from Facebook, just last night, for 'violating the terms of service' with a picture that contains 'nudity.'  Seems they changed their tune from last warning, that said my picture was 'sexual in nature.'  

I'm not the only one who has had photos deleted, as is attested by such groups as Fb!  Stop Harassing Kwasnica and All Breastfeeding Women .  Another group, FB Unblock Danelle Frisbie! Enough is Enough, was created because a woman was blocked from use for posting content in support of another who was banned for posting photos.  Round and round we go, where we stop, only the Facebook gods know?

  

So why is that kid still nursing?  Well, she's 2 and she's a picky eater.  She likes to nurse and it gives her comfort.  Those are the short answers, but as you can see in this Kellymom.com posting, the benefits to her and to me are numerous.  For one, kids who are breastfed at any age have less significant illness than their formula-fed peers.  They also score higher on tests and have more nutritionally complete diets.  Moms, well we get a lowered risk of getting ovarian cancer and protection against osteoporosis and rheumatoid arthritis. 

As for comfort, if you are a parent or know one with a toddler, you realize that High Drama can ensue at any given moment.  Forget Hollywood Divas, because that cutie up there in that picture, she's got them all beat hands down.  Her tantrums can last a while, cause disruption to the family (and others when out in public) and can even be painful with all the flailing and limp-noodling.  The easy solution:  give her ninny (what we call breastfeeding around here.)  It shuts down the tantrum NOW because, well, she can't scream with a boob in her mouth and she's getting the attention she needs and wants.

Now, I will try to briefly go into why I share my breastfeeding images online.  

If you are exposed to a thing, it is easier to understand it.  And by that, I don't mean you being exposed to my boob.  I mean the breastfeeding experience, and not just with young babies, although that's where this thing usually starts.  

I mean, seeing women breastfeeding, everywhere, when and how they want.  People in other countries see this all the time, and no one bats an eye.  Here in the good ol' US of A, we don't and we are usually caught off guard when a mother breastfeeds in public because the rate of babies exclusively breastfeed at 3 months is about 45% and at 6 months that rate drops to about 25%.  Look at babies over 12 months old, and the average drops down to around 5%.  The average weaning age, world-wide is about 4.2 years and natural weaning isn't shown to occur until at least 2.5 years in humans. 

In some places, breast milk is the only clean or readily available food, but here we have good old chicken nuggets and fries.  But the latter aren't healthy or nutritionally complete, like breast milk, even though a picky toddler might actually eat the nuggets and fries for her tired parents.  

And breast milk helps keep children hydrated, especially after tonsillectomies, which we experienced last month.  Millie wouldn't drink or eat, but she would nurse and that sped her recovery up dramatically.  Instead of the usual 5-7 days recovery, she was FULL STEAM at about 45 hours post-op.

So, without further ado (I could go on and on and on), I am going to continue to show that nursing aka BREASTfeeding is natural, normal, loving, and something people should see on a daily basis.  

Millie, 2 months

Millie 3 months

Millie 6 months

On the DART in Dallas, TX (9 mos)

Millie 20 months

Millie 23 months

On a Hike (13 months)

When?

When will I be whole again?

When will I pick myself up?

When does this end?

When?

I'm tired.  Bone-achingly tired.  My eyes are parched and my soul is withered.  Isn't it enough?  When does it stop?  Just when I think I'm better, the anger creeps back in.  I'm not me, I'm some raving, angered, screaming ball of nothing inside.  The worthlessness and the pain, they come in and beat me upside my head, then leave me wondering who the hell did all of that.  I want the ride to stop I want to get off.  I want to be who I was then.  One thousand, six hundred and nine days ago.  Back when I knew bliss and I took it for granted.  I want to be her, looking at the other possible realities and thinking, 'Hmmm, unlucky her.'  This rock on my chest doesn't help me float.

I want to go outside and scream it.  I miss you.  I need you.  I haven't forgotten you.  Not for one of the 8335872000 seconds since I was happy with you.  I feel like it's that next day, 1608 days ago.  That's how raw it all is.  I am frozen right there, losing you every day, over and over again.  All the smiles, the tears, the love, the laughter, the raging hormones of a teenager, more love, leaving me and coming back again.  You'd walk out that door and you'd come back.  You would.  I walked out that door, and I'm never, ever coming back.  Not who I was, not anymore.  I left with you.

And so, she's 2.

That was fast.  It felt like the pregnancy was longer than that.  Actually, if you count the trying, the loss of Zoe, more trying and then the bed rest, it was just over 3 years waiting on Amelia to get here.  And now she's 2 and all that goes along with being 2.  She's a right handful, running and going until I throw my hands up and just sit back and watch.  I'm more worn out now than I was during the no-sleep infant stage.  She's definitely a live-wire kinda girl!

She's also still nursing.  I, personally, can't believe we made it past the first 6 weeks of nipple shields, supplemental nursing systems, bottles (thank you, NICU) and latch issues.  Then there was over supply and overactive letdown.  Next, we battled a dip in supply as my cycles returned and I had surgery.  By the time Millie was one, we'd had thrush, plugged ducts, and more latch issues after her torticollis was corrected and then her first teeth came in.

Our struggles didn't end there, either.  Starting the second year of nursing felt like a chore and I contemplated weaning on more than a few occasions.  We did eventually night wean around 18 months and by then we weren't bed sharing any more.  I still sleep very close to her or neither one of us sleeps well, but it's easier to convince an active toddler that you are NOT an all night diner if your boobs aren't right there in her face.  We are practicing our own form of 'don't offer, don't refuse' but I don't feel like that's weaning as much as it's me just following her verbal cues now that she can use words for things she needs.

Just to clarify, I don't have thoughts of weaning because of outside pressures, but they sure don't help!  I can tell by the look in a persons' eyes when they are going to launch into the 'when will you wean' monologue.  Actually, I've become fairly adept at the shift and shift.  It's where I shift around in my set and look uncomfortable while I try to shift the conversation onto something else.  As difficult as it is for others to comprehend why we are still nursing, it is equally difficult for me to comprehend why it is anyone else's business.  But I try to be diplomatic, for the cause, and inform or educate or just side-track.  Depends on who they are and how much of my time and energy I'd like to invest.

Most days I just feel touched out and over extended on parenting.  It's difficult to find other things to redirect her into doing so that we can head off the 'ninny, peas' and the puppy dog eyes, especially when I'm exhausted from chasing her around all day.  Then there's her allergies which have caused her to change form in nursing.  Now, she nurses with her teeth clamped to my nipple so that it doesn't go anywhere and she can take a few suckles and then breath.  I know it's not her fault, but even when her nose is clear, this is how she nurses.  I think she may have forgotten how to latch correctly but she's not quite ready to let it all go.  And so my nipples have little holes in them, my breasts are covered in snot, and my shirt is hiked over my head so that she has plenty of 'breathing room.'

So, she's 2.  I know the tone of this is less than happy, but right now, on this dreary day, I'm feeling a bit less than happy.  I wanted to savor it;  really suck in all of the baby goodness and enjoy the last.  The reality of the whole thing is that it flew by, just as it did with the others.  She's never been an easy child, so there has been little time for sitting back and soaking it up.  It's been more of a 'get on this damn train now 'cause it's heading outta hear at 100 mph and it ain't lookin' back' kind of 2 years for us.

We couldn't be more in love with a child, but we also have never been challenged like this before.  She's smart, she's high-energy, and she's so alive that everyone who sees her KNOWS that she will wear you out before she even gets started!  They see the exhausted but loving expressions on our faces when we watch her go.  Oh, she's one of those kids.  Yup.  She is and she's here and she's ours.  And, wow!  She's 2 already.  I'd better start planning her wedding now because as fast as she goes, it'll be here before you know it! 

Amelia, 9/17/09 in the NICU with Daddy

Amelia (in the foreground) 9/13/11 at the Zoo with her big sister

Something's Missing...

We just moved into our new home.  It's a beautiful home: 2600 square feet, four bedrooms, two bathrooms.  I am in love with it and the neighborhood.  Moving has been the usual stress, compounded by the fact that the average temperature was over 100 degrees.  There have been a few hiccups along the way and the usual expenses, but we managed okay.  We've moved the furniture, our personal belongings, some junk and gone back to the old place a few times just to make sure we got everything.

I have been busy unpacking as well.  I feel like I've got the house in fairly good working order.  There are a few boxes that still need to be unpacked and Bill hasn't gotten the stereo or computer situated, but he will.  I've wondered around the last few days looking to see what doesn't fit or is out of place.  I've moved things around and then moved some of them back.  Things look great, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't in it's place.

And then I found it.  The box.  It was in it's usual place, at least, in the place I've kept it since I had Bill make it.  Under the passenger's seat in the Suburban.  I've known it's there for the last four years but it startled me this morning to find it as I was vacuuming out the truck.  The tears immediately came.  I had to go in and get a drink of water and sit down.

Then, I had to look inside of the box.  You see, I haven't looked in that box since the day I put all of the contents inside and put it under the passenger seat.  I wanted it with me, watching over me, no matter where I went.  We agreed that we'd bury it when we got a home of our own.  As I pulled it out, the lid toppled off and I HAD to look inside.  Everything was just the same:  little green booties, hat, mitts;  forms and paperwork from the hospital and a couple of hospital bracelets;  two ultrasound pictures and two pregnancy test strips with + signs.  All the things in this world that I have to prove that one day in late May, 2007, I lost my precious baby.

I'm going to bury that box in my new yard.  She will be out there, watching her sisters and their new home.  She will be out there and we will be in here.  The family that will never be complete, who will always have something missing because SOMEONE is missing.  Zoe Evelyn will be forever waiting until the rest of us no longer need an Earthly home and we can join her, in her home, out there.

Fighting the Good Fight

This post is in response to a call for sharing of breastfeeding experiences in 100 words or less from Amber McCann over at Nourish Breastfeeding Support .  Feel free to send Amber your submission, too!

Here's what I sent in and before you read this please know that EVERY word I've ever said to any of you encouraging you to breastfeed, I have meant from the bottom of my soul.  I believe in YOU, your breastfeeding powers, your child, and myself as a person who supports and champions breastfeeding.  However, I am at a turning point in my own breastfeeding relationship and I am not going to lie and tell anyone that I'm looking at doing what is best only for Millie.  There are two people directly invovled in this and I will consider us both when approaching what we do in the future.  Also, for anyone who believes that breastfeeding well into the toddler years is 'only for the mom' or to 'keep the baby a baby longer' or some other horse-shit, don't let the door hit you in your horse's ass. 


It seems I'm always fighting for breastfeeding. Whether in the NICU with my baby, for friends and family who struggle, for women who get kicked out of public places. Now, I'm fighting with myself. My nursling is almost two and I'm burn-out. She's never been a great sleeper and nursing is so important to her. I fought hard to get her to nurse; why am I so keen to have her stop? She's my last, and I know it's what she needs, but I'm on the verge of shutting down. I'm trying. I'm fighting for you, Millie! 

Yea, she's a toddler!

I've recently encountered less than positive attitudes about my breastfeeding relationship with Millie.  She's approaching the big "2" and I guess some have taken it upon themselves to judge us negatively for continuing to nurse her.  My husband is supportive of nursing, but he and I both agree that she does need some boundaries now that she is an older nursling.  However, weaning is nowhere in our immediate future.  She's one of those kids who could nurse PAST nursery school! 

If you read my last post, There's Something About Toddlerhood, you'll know that breastfeeding her has become quite challenging.  She is very distractible and wants to nurse every time I sit down.  She's also very vocal about her "NINNIES" and she loves to try and get her whole body into my shirt while she is nursing.  And it doesn't help that she's very big for her age.  She's as big as Natalie was at 3 and she is currently at 95% for height and 70% for weight at 21 months old.  For those and several other reasons, my husband and I have decided to limit her nursing a little.  I feel torn over this decision but I know in the long run, I am doing my best for her and still saving the relationship.  I was starting to loathe the time nursing her and it's not so skin-crawlingly annoying now.

The negativity that we have received comes in two ways.  The first is from those who openly exclaim, 'OMG are you still breastfeeding,' said with extra grossness emphasis placed on the word breastfeeding.  The second is more subtle, a sort of ninja approach to disapproval.  It's little comments like, 'Oh, but aren't you a big girl,' when she starts asking for ninnies or the ever popular anectdotes about children who breastfeed a long time are spoiled and their cousing Suzy is living proof.

First off, I really wonder why people feel the need to interject their opinion onto my breastfeeding my daughter.  I certainly do not ask them to tell me how nasty they think breastfeeding, in general, is.  And when compared to some of the crap they feed their kids, I can think of a whole lot worse to give Millie, nutrition wise.   

Second, not their boob.  I have a friend (Hello, Alaina!) who would say, 'If they can see my boob, they are too damn close and they need their eye poked out.'  I'm more of the subtle, 'Can't you mind your own damn business,' camp myself.

I'd also like to clarify a few points about nursing an older baby or toddler or preschooler.

What nursing a child over the age of 1 is:

• Challenging
• Good tantrum control
• A way of reconnecting
• Annoying (sometimes)
• Nutrition for very picky eaters
• Comfort
• Not for everyone

What nursing a child over 1 is NOT:

• Easy
• Detrimental to anyone's health or well-being
• Unusual (the average weaning age around the world is 4)
• Done because of sexual feelings
• Bad for a current pregnancy

The last point I would like to especially clarify.  I did nurse through one pregnancy, and that pregnancy did result in a miscarriage at 12.5 weeks.  However, none of my tests came back showing why I miscarried and all of my hormone levels had been normal just before the baby had died.  She didn't die because I was still nursing her 18 month old sister.  Most likely, she died because the lining of my uterus was not what it should be because I had had an IUD and I have endometriosis. 

It is generally considered safe to breastfeed while pregnant.  There isn't much research directed specifically towards breastfeeding while pregnant, but direct inference would lead one to believe that it is safe. 

At birth, a mother doesn't automatically make milk.  The birth of the baby triggers a drastic lowering of several hormones  and allows the prolactin secreted during pregnancy to overcome those hormones and produce milk.  During the months post-partum, those hormones level out and progesterone and other hormones level off.  In order to become pregnant, progesterone levels must be higher and be maintained at a higher level.  It would seem that the progesterone and the prolactin are in a battle, but if they truly are (as in the period of time before any other source of food or nipple is introduced) then becoming pregnant in the first place is difficult.  Decreased levels of progesterone and increased levels of prolactin would deter becoming pregnant and are a major reason that breastfeeding, along with other Natural Family Planning techniques are a choice of birth control for some families.

Breastfeeding also releases oxytocin, which is the hormone that is released during labor to help the uterus contract.  As stated in the above, oxytocin receptors in the uterus are very minimal until such time as labor is warranted (about 38 weeks) and therefore the uterus is not succeptible to irritation by the oxytocin.  The exception would be women who have had a preterm labor and or birth.  The exception would be me.  However, I didn't have any abnormalities during the pregnancy that I lost.  I didn't even have my usual spotting and heavy cramping of early pregnancy and was not diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravardium as in my other pregnancies. 

I was having a 'normal' pregnancy until one day, quite unexpectedly, our baby died.  It had NOTHING to do with me nursing her sister.  My body was prepared to do what it had to do in order for all three of us to survive as far as nutrition went.  It was, however, deficient because of synthetic hormone use.  I lost my baby because I had previously used birth control that was not approved for use in those with endometriosis (and my doctor knew this), not because I breastfed.  Natalie weaned long before I got pregnant with Millie, so that was a non-issue in my difficult pregnancy with Millie. 

I hope this novella clarifies a few things.  It probably won't;  I can always hope!  In short, I breastfeed Millie because she and I want to.  If you don't like it, I'd be glad to spew research and scientific evidence at you all day long.  But right now, she's asking for "NINNIES" and I'm going to go with my old stand-by:  MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!

Edit:  I am not currently pregnant.  Sorry!

There's Something About Toddlerhood

Yesterday, I fell off of the Peaceful Parenting bandwagon.  I yelled at my 21 month old.  It was a long and tiring day and after nursing her several times and being used as a trampoline, a spring board, and a cuddly lovey most of the day, I was touched out.  She is at the stage where run-by nursing and on-demand EVERYTHING are the flavors of the moment.  My husband, bless him, is of little use when she wants MAMAMAMAMA.  So, I yelled at her.

I felt awful.  I berated myself.  I moved on.  I ran back up to the AP wagon and said, in my most humble and GENTLE in-door voice, "May I please get back on?"  Because I'm a good parent!  I am also human and I have 5 other children (and one 'grown' child) and a husband and all of the responsibilities that come along with that PLUS house hunting and physical therapy for my back and worrying about my aging grandmother and .....  My life is NOT low maintenance and stress free.  Somethings, sometimes, have to give.

Attachment parenting a child is a wonderful experience.  However, parenting a toddler sometimes falls outside of the 'attachment' zone.  There are days, hours, moments that I really do not want to be in the vicinity of the once lovely but now having a mini mervous breakdown little girl that calls me MAAAAAAMMMMAAA at the absolute top of her voice.  When toys are being flung at random around the room like a lawn sprinkler and the only sound I hear is the ear splitting scream of "MIIIIIIINNNNNEEEE" even when she stopped yelling it 3 minutes ago.   I want to run and hide when she grabs and paws at my shirt and my breast, demanding "ninny" right now and for the next hour or whenever she decides that I can put them away.  There are times I'd really love it to be just me, and maybe my husband, without her needing to 'hugga me' every 30 seconds when her sister takes her toy back that toddlerzilla so swiftly, and LOUDLY stold in the first place.

I really do not want to be attached to the octopus on speed, especially not when that octopus has my tender breast in her razor-loaded mouth!  I swear, she flails so fast and so much that her 4 appendages become 234 as she simultaneously hits, pokes, jabs, kicks, and bites me.  Just when I think I've got that kicking leg tied down, here comes the jabbing finger.  And there are 10 of those!  I feel outnumbered.

And a sling.  Bwahahahahaha.  I've never seen a funnier word.  I always suggest babywearing to green mamas struggling with their newly born cling-ons, but try putting Octotoddler into a sling.  The only thing you'll get out of that one is a busted lip and a contraption strapped to your back that is very reminiscent of a straight jacket.  The wrap is bad, the ring sling is useless, and the mai-tai becomes the hangman's noose when flail-o-toddler gets within 10 feet of it.  I've never in my life been more flustered that the few times I've actually gone out on a limb and prayed for her to go in the carrier and give me some peace.  Did I mention physical therapy on my back.  Yea.

Yet, there has to be something about toddlerhood.  Something that makes us go back and do it again (and in my case, again and again, and again...infinity!)  There has to be something redeeming about toddlers.  Some wonderous, magical thing.  It's the markers on the wall just after you've cleaned them?  No.  Oh, I know, it's the food fling fest and constant bathing afterwards?  Urm...well.  The screaming?  Demanding?  Melt-downs in public?  Innocently repeated curse words at grandma's?  The refusal to wear clothing, especially clothing appropriate to the season?  Help me out here.

Good thing humans don't eat their young and that those young are so cute and lovable.  Because she would have been served up on pasta LONG ago.  :) 

-Jen

Upcycled Diapers Tutorial

Just a small disclaimer to start.  I am NOT a seamstress!  These were done based off of a pattern on With A Tangled Skein and I modified it to a "T" pattern that fits my baby better.  You might find her tutorial to be more complete or easier to follow.  This is my first tutorial, so if you see anything amiss, please let me know!  Now, on with Upcycled Diapers!

The Pants

 

 I brought these home in anticipation of making diapers out of them, but my kids thought otherwise!  It does give you a perspective of how big the pants are (4X) so that you don't go thinkin' you can make 3 dipes out of a pair of regular jogging pants. 

Here are the pants laid out in preparation of the first cut!  They are jogging pants from a local retailer, clearance price of $1.50.  So, with 10% tax, that's $1.65 for the pair.  You can use a sweat shirt, but you'll only get 1 diaper from a large sized shirt.

First, I cut the waist band off.

Second, I cut the seams apart so that I had 2 pieces that looked like this.

Next, I found a diaper that I had made previously that I liked.  At first, I made the preflats as mentioned above, but they didn't fit well, so I modified them into a "T" shape. 

I tried several configurations and finally managed to get 3 diapers out of the material!  You'll need to draw your diapers a bit larger than actual fit in order to figure in seam allowances. 

After you've drawn all your diaper shapes (you can draw on front side or back side because it will all get covered once you sew), place the cut out shapes onto the other larger piece of material RIGHT SIDES TOGETHER and draw the outlines.  This time, you can draw the exact shape because you've already built in your seam allowances. 

Cut out the second set of diapers. 


















Put the originals RIGHT SIDES TOGETHER and sew around the edges using a 1/4" seam allowance and a zigzag stitch.  Be sure to leave a small opening in the short end of the diaper for turning the fabric.  You will want to use a smaller zigzag, but not too small so that the material doesn't bunch.   

Trim up your edges and snip notches along corners and bends.  It's important to have neat and close edges!

Turn your diaper right side out.

Next, make sure all corners and edges of the diaper are fully turned out.  Fold under the open space along the short end and sew together using a very narrow straight stitch. 

Finally, sew around the perimeter of the diaper with a larger zigzag stitch and using about a 1/2" seam.

You could put more layers together, but these diapers work great as 2 layers with a liner and a wool cover. 

And just one more of the gorgeous model, helping mama make the diapers:

Call the Spell Check Police...

I just couldn't let this go. 

The other day on one of the social networking sites that I am on, someone posted about a friend who was excited to be going to college.  That friend had misspelled several words in her original post, including the word 'college.'  Several people went on to poke fun at the original poster and her obvious lack of intelligence.  They also questioned her ability to learn and her place in a facility of higher education.

Several people said (paraphrase) that colleges let anyone and everyone in and not everyone should be allowed to seek a college education.  That made me fuming mad.  How dare they say something so demeaning of others?  Have we become so elitist that we would deny the freedom to better our station to those of us that we deem unworthy?

I am the parent of a child who was labelled 'learning disabled' at a very young age.  We were told she'd be 'average at best' and not to expect her to be accepted into college.  Well, guess what?  She's going to college and she's better than average.  She's been given a chance to succeed even though there were those around her who would see her just survive.  She can better herself and her world, even though she could not read much beyond preschool level when she was in the fourth grade.

A couple of days passed, and I just couldn't let this go.  It's amazing to me that, in the land of the free and the brave, we have other people willing to say that not everyone deserves the same chances as everyone else.  I agree that not everyone WILL go to college.  Some simply do not care to and others who want to will not get the chance because they feel that a college education is out of their reach financially.  Others who want to go may feel that they are constrained by life circumstances (family, children, job) and  can not commit to spending time to get a higher education.  Still, it's encouraging to know that the doors to knowledge are flung wide for those willing to pursue education beyond high school.  

So how dare someone insinuate that simply because another has some spelling errors in a post online that that person is not worthy of education?  If that person truly can not spell some words, perhaps the best thing for her would be to go to a place of higher learning and to be challenged to learn to spell correctly.  Would we deny her that opportunity in order to keep her ignorant?  Why?  It seems to me that educating our citizens to the highest of their capabilities would be a boon for our society.  The more people we educate, the more mind power we have to care for and grow our society properly.  This is the land of opportunity, of free-markets and freedom from tyranny and oppression.  Isn't it?   

There was also accusation of public school failure in the responses.  I'll give ya that the public education system in this country needs a redo.  If only we could backspace and delete over some of the stuff that DOESN'T work (No Child Left Behind), and insert smaller classroom sizes, more teachers, better facilities.  Things that do work and do foster better learning in our children. 

We also need to re-insert the parents and other caregivers into the equation.  It seems that schools have become a 13 year (or longer) on-going daycare facility.  Parents can just drop their kids off and go to work.  Easy.  Peasy.  Then, the kids get home and mommy and daddy are still at work, so they do what they will until their exhausted parents come home and feed them some fast food and send them to bed.  People, we've got to get back in the parenting business.  Working for a living is a reality, but so is the need for parent interaction.  I've heard it time and time again:  Teachers aren't teaching our kids the 3 R's, they are teaching them social skills and basic behavior skills and manners.  Things that should be taught and reinforced at home.

And speaking of teaching at home, some people think that home schooling is the answer.  I guess that would be the epitome of parent involvement, but homeschoolers seem to think that a complete 'check out' of the system is in order.  We can not fix something that is broken by ignoring it.  If a natural gas line on my property breaks and leaks natural gas into the air, I can't just go on about my day ignoring it.  Eventually, the neighborhood will be on fire.  So how is keeping our kids away from public schools, and therefore society, going to help us fix the public school system or society itself?  Someday, those kids will have to be integrated back into society if they want to live and flourish in that society. 

I'm sure some of you will read this and find a typo or twelve.  And I'm sure some of you are reading this and going, "Yea, but what do you think will fix it, Ms. Smartypants?"  I don't have all of the answers, but I do know that being involved with my children and their school and making sure that they are learning not only their ABC's but also how to love, respect, and cherish others is a start.  Learning begins at home.  I hope I'm giving my kids the best head start I can by staying at home with them while they are little.  But I don't have all the answers and all I can do is try to make sure that my children go out into the world prepared to make it a better place.  And if they can not spell?  Well, at least they will know that they CAN change the world, one mispelled wurd @ ah thyme. 

With a heart: Poetry for my babies

To the one I lost and to the one she finally became.

With a heart

With a full heart
And open, waiting arms
I welcomed you into this world.

With a heavy heart
And sad, crying eyes
I said good bye as you left.

With a joyful heart
And pink, dazzling lines
I knew you had finally come back to me.

With a grateful heart
And happy, smiling tears
I held you in my loving arms at last.

DDouble DDuty?

Wondering through the web-o-sphere like I do on occasion, I came across a very interesting photograph of a woman breastfeeding.  Duality, by Rachel Valley portrays a mother and a lover, nourishing her baby and her relationship with her partner.  At first glance, this photo may seem a bit extreme;  some even described it as "weird" and "over-the-top." 

At first I was inclined to agree that the photo was grotesque, but upon further ponderance, I began to understand the implications.  This isn't the photo of a two-headed woman (although we all know that women have it going on in the brains department) but of a woman who can be those things, in those instances, that she needs to be.  She can be mother when baby is hungry and lover when her partner hungers for her.  Beyond that, she can be woman and be comfortable in her role as such.  I really began to see the beauty of the photo, the beauty of the woman, and realized that it stirred in me a passion to be all things to all those that I love and cherish. 

I also began to wonder why Rachel Valley had decided to do this photo.  Was there a need, a niche, where a photo such as this was warranted and appreciated?  I found a link to the photo on a forum intended for women (and some men) who are breastfeeding aware and supportive, yet some of the comments were less than cheerful in attitude or favor.  Obviously the photo did not say the same thing to all people, even those who might be best equipped to understand the 'duality' of the woman and the breast. 

Then I read about a mother being discriminated against because she is breastfeeding her child in public.  The stories are astounding.  Mothers are being harassed at baseball games, at public parks, in restaurants, at the YMCA.  The list goes on and on.  These mothers are simply fulfilling their rolls as mothers,  yet they are being asked to move to the restroom or to otherwise hide the fact that they are feeding their children.  I couldn't believe that people would be so rude and hateful and thought that surely it was either ignorance on the part of a few employees, lack of training on issues regarding dealing with the public and the law, or both.  Perhaps there were a few squeaky-wheel patrons at these places who threw a tantrum because they thought they might have seen a peek of skin while the mother was latching her baby.  But as I read the comments sections of the articles, I began to see that there was an overwhelming amount of people who harbored hate for women nursing their children.  

As I read these stories, I began to realize why Duality was such a needed piece of artwork.  People in this society really do lack a true understanding of the purpose of the female breast, and of the female body in general.  We've been told that our bodies are gross.  We hear it at church, in school, from our friends, family and in magazine, on T.V. and on the Internet.  When the subject of vaginas comes up in those venues, it's usually in a strictly sexual context.  Breasts are lumped together with vaginas because they, too, can be used as avenues for sexual gratification.  The female form, in all it's incarnations, has been vilified as a sexual tool since biblical times.  Forget the fact that, since before biblical times, vaginas have been used to birth our children and breasts have been used to nourish them.  Twats 'n' boobs are simply sexual, end of story, now go and repent for even thinking about them. 

But what if we could see the beauty in both the sexual aspect of a woman's body and the wonder that is a mother growing and continuing the species?  After all, at the very basest of thinking,  babies are a product of a sexual act.  My babies, my children, are the bi-product of love and caring and an animalistic urge to nurture and grow.  Sure, sex got them started, but love and my body grew them.  My body birthed them into this world and my body gave them nourishment when they were young and vulnerable.  There was a time in history when a child who lived to the age of 5 was revered as strong and capable of carrying on an enduring blood-line.  During those times, it was common-place for women to breastfeed, so it just goes to suppose that breastfeeding helped that child survive and thrive.

Why does it have to be one or the other?  And why do breasts, and the female body, get to only be used for sexual gratification?  What if, at the very least, we all put aside our own fears, short-comings, or anxieties and showed kindness and gentleness towards the smallest and most vulnerable of our species? 

I want to close with some advice for those of you who read this and who get a bit squeamish when you see a woman (or even think about seeing her) breastfeeding her baby.  To you, I ask for just a small amount of tolerance.  When those sirens go off in your brain and your internal dialogue is screaming "WARNING SEXUAL OBJECTS BEING EXPOSED," how about just turning your head and tending to your own business?  If YOU have an issue with the mother nourishing her small and innocent child, try to use discretion with yourself and your actions and words.  And if you can not understand the woman, try at least giving some respect for the mother who is just doing with her body what nature has intended.            

Nursing in Public: Debacle of the Delusions

I've been reading a great deal lately about people who are against nursing in public (NIP).  My Facebook fanpage, NIPPA sports a few of the links and stories I have come across.  What I've found are that there are a few commonalities amongst those who find NIP offensive.  Following is an FAQ of sorts to help dispel the delusions that seem to be rampant both online and out in the real world about nursing a child in public.  I decided to address the Top 5, so as not to bore you and go into novel status here on SPM. 

1.  "No one wants to see that, so cover up."  This phrase could be applied to a plethera of public activities, but we are speaking of feeding a baby here so I'll attempt to keep on topic.  If you have ever breastfed a baby, you will know that covering is either something you do to help yourself feel comfortable or something to try and keep the baby focused on the task at hand.  Once a baby reaches a certain age, the cover generally becomes a bigger distraction than a bicycling poodle who juggles flaming torches.  I have attempted covering in public and I would rather wear a neon sign and a big fuzzy clown wig.  Besides, most breastfeeding mothers are sensible, modest women who rarely, if ever show anything and I've actually been approached with the 'awww, sleepy baby' comments while my nine-month old is actively nursing.

2.  "Can't you do that in the car (restroom, dressing room, at home, etc.)?"  Sure, I could.  But can't you also go hide in those places so you aren't offended by me breastfeeding?  Some places do have lovely nursing suites, but I've yet to see one that I would feed my pet slug in so I'll be nursing my child in arms while I'm shopping or chatting with my friends or husband.  It is 100 degrees + right now in my car and I refuse to be relegated to my home simply because my baby likes to eat and I have errands to do.  As a consumer and a citizen, I have as much right to be at the mall as the next person. 

3.  "You can pump and/or bring a bottle."  I have to take a second and clean off my screen every time I read this sentiment.  I do that snortle thing where all of my Coke gets spewed out onto the keys and the nursing baby's head.  Obviously, anyone who says this has never breastfed because what's the point?  If I'm going to spend all of my time pumping and bottling, I might as well just feed my baby formula to appease everyone else in the world.  Breastfeeding is feeding, but it is about so much more than JUST feeding.  There is bonding and soothing and nurturing that go into every nursing.  Bottle-fed babies are much the same in that they crave suckling and comfort from their feedings.  Pumping is mechanical and it is not easy to do.  I began my current nursing relationship with a cold and unfeeling pump as my baby lay in the NICU struggling to breath.  I saw other mothers who worked with their pump for hours daily to then squeeze out tiny milliliters (it takes 30 mL to make an ounce) of breastmilk.  I was fortunate in the beginning because I made nearly four times daily what my baby ate but now I could not pump an ounce if my life depended on it.

4.  "You can feed your baby at home, THEN go out in public."  This is another comment that is laughable, at best.  With that sort of logic, YOU could eat at home and THEN go out in public, saving everyone from having to see you wolf down your Mickey D's or your chai latte with tofu infused bagel.  Restaurants everywhere will be singing your praises.  Seriously, babies are surprising little creatures.  You can feed them and I'll be a rabbit in a fox pen, those little dickens are hungry again in 20 minutes.  When I picture a breastfeeding mom trying to nurse at home, race to the store, do her shopping and get back home before her babe is screeching for another feed, it calls up images of illegally parked Fed-Ex truck drivers in crop pants toting a diaper bag.  Or maybe the Gino's pizzeria delivery guys with frayed pony-tails and smeared lipstick dragging little Suzy by the arm trying desperately to be on time. 

5.  "Breasts are sexual."  Sometimes, yes they are.  But so are fingers, tongues, toes, heck even noses and ears for some people.  How dare we go exposing our sexual organs out in public.  I demand you cover up those erotic digits before I have thoughts that I can not control.  As a breastfeeding mother, I assure you that my partner and I can distinguish between the sexual use for breasts and the natural, biological use for breasts.  If you can not, or you just can't stop thinking about that mother over in the play palace at the mall sticking her BOOBS in her babies mouth, I suggest therapy with a highly-qualified shrink. 

So there you have it, my Top 5 Delusions of the Deluded, debacled and de-valued.  I dare say that I have covered all of the lunacy or that one person will ever be able to dispell all of the madness that surrounds a woman breastfeeding her infant in public, but it is what it is.  My grandmother gave me excellent advice in regards to seeing things that I don't want to see.  She told me that if something offends me, the first thing I need to do is to turn my head.  Until someone grabs your face and smooshes you into her boobs to FORCE you to watch her nourish her child, I suggest you take Nannie's good advice.  Or there's always the standard, STFU.  Your choice.